***For the record, we are not miserable every moment of every day so I don't want grandparents and aunts to be too worried =) We do appreciate everyone's prayers and messages of support-thank you all!
It has been a rough month around here. We are weary and aching inside as we watch our kids transition beyond the more exciting "new" stages of moving cultures. We are all very tired. As we dive into the language more and more my brain reaches it's limit and I find even English comes out broken and choppy. Emotionally it takes all that we have and more to get through the day sometimes, leaving little patience for the young hearts that are dealing with all we are and more. As a friend wrote "honestly speaking, your kids worlds are falling apart and they have to deal with lots and lots of new things, as do you and Ty." Amen to that! If I thought the first couple months of school were hard, watching E cry and not want to go and then having that image in my head all day...well that's nothing compared to these days. It's like it goes from hard on the surface to hard in the deeper places. Some things on the surface are much simpler now. We know our way around, we've found most things we've needed at the grocery stores and are cooking regularly. The kids have friends at school and we are attending the same church more regularly. Some days Ty and I forget we live in a foreign country if we're home or at work only. The kids however, don't have that. They are confronted with foreign every day, all day. The novelty of the new kids from America is wearing off. As our kids gain a voice in the language it results in jealousy of others in the class. The social order is changed and sometimes our kids get the fallout. We see tantrums and tears much easier these days. We get home from school and the kids disappear into their own space-needing to decompress after an intense day. When they begin to play and talk it is often to each other. Their bond, which has always been strong, is only deepening. They share something that even Ty and I can't be part of. It takes all the courage of my heart to put on a smile and repeat "I love you" over and over as I hold screaming/crying kids who say they hate me, or I'm the worst ever. I collapse into bed with them at nights where they whisper the deep hurts in their hearts of the struggles at school. Some days those hurts aren't just in their hearts but on their bodies as they are the recipients of another kid's frustration. We sit together and pray for those kids. We pray for courage and for peace and for protection for our own kids. We rejoice the days our kids come home with triumphant stories of friendship-even with bullies they are trying to win over. We hold back tears and share hugs and prayer the days that they aren't so successful. I so miss having my kids home with me. I love exploring the world together and seeing the wonder and joy at learning. These days our learning is taking a different look as I work to help them see wonder and joy at discovering a deeper part of their own hearts. We talk a lot about Jesus and how much we all are broken and need him. We pray desperately for their friends to know him. We pray even harder for their enemies to know him. I've been setting my alarm a little earlier in the mornings. I'm not awake enough to have many coherent thoughts or extended quiet time with Jesus but I've used it as reflection time and time to pray the deepest cries of my heart for my kids, for Ty and for this place. I honestly have never questioned my parenting or whether the kids would turn out ok until here and now. Those who know me, know I don't hang on to guilt or regret. I move forward in confidence even after mistakes. There is a new fear I'm unearthing in my heart that is lonely and painful. I thought I was pretty prepared to enter into suffering in a new way. God had warned me about this and that we were all 4 entering this. I thought that I had really let go of control and placed my kids into my Father's hands. I'm seeing that I have a ways to go in this area still. My faith isn't as big as I think. In fact, some days it's been quite small and I find myself confessing it before the Father and asking for more faith. In all of the challenges of parenting some new areas with kids in a new culture, I'm also finding peace and grace. God is faithful and He reminds me that He is with Ty and I as we stumble through this job he's given us to raise these beauties. He grants wisdom and He even grants faith. He is also using this as a means to friendship with other moms from school-all whom believe very different from us. They have seen us in the raw places as we take the kids to school and have to pry clinging kids off our bodies to deliver to the teacher. They have hugged me in the hall after the kids walk into class and I can't keep the tears from spilling over even though everything in me wants to not cry there in that space. And while it's uncomfortable for me, it has opened up friendships to go to deeper places with these moms than might have otherwise happened. Even this weekend as I had some friends over and all the kids played I shared my struggles after one asked what had been going on. She's seen the changes in our kids too. While I pray often for these women to know the Jesus I know and love, I also thank God that he's brought them into my life. Their friendship is nourishing my heart as a mom as well. As one dad here said so well recently "this parenting thing is really hard isn't it?" Yes, to really parent in love and in faith-it is incredibly hard. Just like my son's knee is raw and scabbing over but still tender and will have a scar, my heart is similar. It hurts but it's getting to be the new normal feeling. It is starting to scab over as I get used to the tenderness and move forward anyway. I'm sure the scars will be there long after the tenderness has faded and the pain is only a memory. I pray mostly for my kids' hearts too-that the scars they get will only further point them to the scars of their savior for them. And in the moments now I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and ask God to grant me more faith to trust my kids to him-even, and especially, when it hurts.
***For the record, we are not miserable every moment of every day so I don't want grandparents and aunts to be too worried =) We do appreciate everyone's prayers and messages of support-thank you all!
2 Comments
Babs Heath
2/9/2014 06:09:41 am
Continuing to pray.
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Sandy
2/9/2014 10:09:38 am
C, the Lord knows you and Ty are doing your best. He loves you for trying, especially when trying is all you can do. He also loves the kids even more than you do, and He is forming their lives for His glory. Thank you for letting Him do that molding and for being His instruments in some hugely difficult times.
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AuthorsCarolyn & (sometimes) Ty Archives
March 2016
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